A SMALL LIFE...FOUND AND LOST

"It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try to readjust the way you thought of things….. this dark and curious feeling of falling that accompanies every great loss."
— Lemony Snicket (The Reptile Room..Book 2 in A Series of Unfortunate Events)


In August of 2000, while living in New Mexico, we lost our rat terrier, Ivan, to an immune deficiency disease. I missed him so much. Then, on December 22 of the same year, my, unbeknownst to me soon to be former husband, did, what proved to be, the last kind action in our marriage.


On his way to work he passed a very small rat terrier sitting just before the crossing on the bridge over the Rio Grande. The temperature was 18 degrees…there were no cars…nothing…just this very little dog.

He picked her up and returned with her to the house. She had no collar...no way to identify her.  We tried to find her owners but were unsuccessful. We thought she must have gotten out of an RV that had stopped to admire the view and her owners drove off…not realizing she was gone. She could not have been out very long. Aside from bad teeth, she had been well cared for, spayed, and liked people. She weighed 9 pounds.


I named her Zoey. It did not take us long to realize that Zoey was completely deaf. Not even the loudest sound secured her attention. Our vet said she appeared to be about 5 years old and that her deafness was congenital. This went a long way in explaining how she could have slipped out with nobody noticing.

She was almost completely silent. She never knew her name in words…we used a hand signal. I put a bell on her collar so I would know where she was. At first it was a turkey bell and then as she got older it was a large jingle bell. The bell was Zoey.

 She begrudgingly joined our dog pack which consisted of the ALPHA, Mandy (a black Irish setter/dachshund cross), and Brutus, the Pointer. Like all rat terriers Zoey wanted to be boss but Mandy would not allow it.

 Zoey proved to be tough as nails. She survived severe pancreatitis, and a rattlesnake bite. Being deaf she could not hear the warning rattle. She carried the triangle shaped scar on her shoulder for the rest of her life.

 Zoey was my shadow…she followed me everywhere….her bell announcing her presence.


Four months later my husband left and three years later I moved to Florida with my three dogs. For Zoey this meant that all bets were off…this was new territory and she set out to claim it. When Mandy passed away at the age of 18…Zoey proclaimed herself THE ALPHA…her minion was supposed to be Brutus.

See previous blog entry LOSING BRUTUS

She spent the last five years trying to make Brutus believe it. He never did. The only time she ever barked was at him…she knew whenever he entered the room and tried all she could think of to make him do what she dictated. She devoted enormous energy in thwarting his presence. Mostly he ignored her.

But still she followed me, bell jingling and every night slept under the covers in the crook of my leg…. this little warm body…sweet and comfortable. And the years passed….Zoey had some liver and kidney issues but all were under control…she just continued. She developed cataracts and became almost blind…but still followed me….scenting my path with astounding accuracy. Looking at her one would not realize that she was more than likely close to 17 years old.


Then, on Monday, July 11th, Brutus was gone….and from that day forward Zoey began to fade. I was wrong when I said that she would not miss him…she did. He was her energizer, her purpose for each day…and at some level…her pack.

 One week to the day of Brutus’s passing Zoey’s kidneys failed and she left this world in a lovely peaceful room at the animal emergency hospital…cuddled in a beach towel, in my lap… just before midnight, while it was still Monday, on the 18th of July.

I had to write this.  Zoey is my last dog. She was my shadow. She demonstrated courage and determination every day. She was a survivor and she was my special little friend.


What were the odds of finding a small pure bred rat terrier sitting on the Rio Grande bridge in the middle of NOWHERE New Mexico…what were the odds of her being found by a family who had just lost a beloved rat terrier?  Zoey was a gift…a gift for which I will always be grateful.

 I so miss the sound of her bell jingling through the house…always seeking me…always finding me….the “sound of silence”….the saddest sound in the universe….

LOSING BRUTUS

It is Wednesday Brutus, my dog…..just you and me…


You are home from the hospital having been there because your giant prostate flared up and bled and hurt….July 4th evening…I had to carry you into the building. So here you are…full of medication and feeling better. The vet told me that this would happen again and again.


I made the decision and called the mobile vet. Soon, the burden of your illness will be lifted from you. They are booked until Monday so I have to go through the next 5 days ticking them down. You don’t know this…but I do. Your life will end on Monday morning… at home...no fear… no scary vet smell…… I promise.

 It is so very hard to let you go, especially when you ate all your dinner with enthusiasm tonight and you wagged your tail and perked up your ears. I waver…yet know in my heart that all can change very quickly and the only progress to be made is toward more illness.

And now it is Thursday…You slept beside me early this morning and rolled on your back to have a tummy rub. You were even excited about your breakfast and ate over half of it. I took you on your walks and you still pointed at rabbits and sometimes at suspicious fallen palm fronds. This evening you ate all your dinner, rolled around for me to play a little and curled up with me on the couch.


I am remembering the beautiful black and white puppy … carsick during the long ride to his new home.

 Friday now ending... Long day… Lots of walks. You ate all your meals. I put your meds in cookie dough …you REALLY like that. .


I have missed your tail. Since you have had the prostate issue your tail is always down now. Pointers should NEVER have down tails.

Gramma was here. She is so sad. She loves you. She was always glad to come and let you out at noon and give you a biscuit…You have made her life brighter Brutus.
How will I tell the neighbors who sneak you biscuits and greet you every morning? They are in Germany now.
You are a most lovable dog.


Saturday…..You had eggs, cottage cheese, and canned dog food for breakfast. You cleaned the bowl. I watched you eat…standing there in your diaper pants (because you leak).

I have thought of someone who will not miss you…yes…Zoey. You have been her nemesis from the beginning. She wanted to be the boss of you and all you ever did was ignore her. She HATES that. She is very old now…older than you. I think it will not be long before she follows your path…no escape for either of you.


The pet store took back the special crate I had just got you and said they would take your diaper pants to give to rescue dogs. I donated your new bag of Weight Management dog food to the Domestic Animal Shelter. I will call the vet and see if there is someone who can use your leftover meds. I went to the grocery store and bought you yummy things.


Sunday…last full day….my heart is breaking. Long, long day….


Monday…there was a bad storm. I guess it was too much to ask that you be spared thunder on your last night…..We took a long walk this morning….and then I told you, like I always do, “Let’s go home”…and you turned, like you always do, right into the cul de sac and walked up to the pink front door…home.

You slept next to me for a long time on the couch…dreaming dog dreams and running in your sleep. And when you woke up I gave you a big chunk of cookie dough.


They came at 10:30 am. And … it was full circle….the vet who took care of you in the emergency hospital was the one who walked through my door. He said he was glad he could do this for Brutus.

He put his hand on your head and said a silent prayer. My fingers still tasted like cookie dough. You were in my lap on the couch licking them as the drugs took effect. You licked and licked so gently until you just stopped.

Your ashes will be tucked in beside Mandy in the back yard under the caladiums.


You have brought me such comfort during the bad times in my life, and every day you added joy….. it is hard to bear your loss. I parted from you with the knowledge that you have had a happy life with me… except when it thundered.


But it was right to say good-by now, before you became too sick and before this last of moments was spent with the vet and the clinic smell and the fear. I loved you enough to send you “gently into that good night”.


It is said that all dogs go to heaven. If that is true then you will go where all squirrels and rabbits run fast but not so fast that you can’t catch them….and it will be snack time whenever you desire and it will never…. EVER… thunder.


No matter where I am, Brutus, I will feel the breeze of your spirit wagging that pointer tail.
 As you cross the bridge between this world and the next, just follow your nose and look up…Mandy is there…up on the hill.

 Mandy, who preceded you in this journey…the Alpha of our family pack. She knows where the birds are…you are still her bud and she has waited for you. When you see her I want you to stop….hold a perfect point… fill your heart…. raise your tail like a flag……. and run…

BRUTUS....  Best Beloved