Learn To Love Your Inner 14 Year Old Girl!

The Twilight Series…. I love it.. like rainbow sprinkled My Pretty Ponies.  If you understand what I just said then you have been a young girl.

I will not justify my affection for this series anymore than I would justify an affection for Twinkies. When you eat a Twinkie you know what you are getting….The TWILIGHT SERIES books and movies are TWINKIES.

THIS IS THE PLOT…


"OMG! why does he hate me? Why does he not hate me now? Why does he hate me again? Does he like me? Does he not like me? Does he like me again? OMG! I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him he loves me!! He’s a VAMPIRE! He has BUTTERSCOTCH eyes! He loves me loves me loves me! And he sparkles!

OMG! This other vampire wants to kill me! But Edward loves me! And his vampire family loves me! Jacob loves me! Jacob is hot and a wolf.

I love Jacob I love Edward Jacob Edward Jacob SHIRTLESS Jacob in the tent..love Jacob love Edward Edward Edward! But now I have to sacrifice myself to save the people that I love! But they all still come to save me!"

No one knows how to obsess like early teenage girls and they are the audience for TWILIGHT.

So, in case you missed it, "Vampire" is a metaphor for "the teenage boy you THINK you want"!

Bella leaves her remarried mom to move to the town of Forks and a new school with her small-town police chief father. She doesn't fit in anywhere, she's not like other people, and no one understands her ( insert YOU, the reader, here). Also, she's so clumsy that she cannot walk without falling down.
Enter Edward Cullen.
Edward is GORGEOUS and MYSTERIOUS! He, along with his aloof, slightly goth siblings has GREAT HAIR . They all have hair that looks like it came out of one of those books you see in the waiting areas of hair salons. But I digress….

Edward, the vampire, has pale skin and sparkles like diamonds when in the full sunlight, but inside he is a raging storm of emotions. He has deep feelings and secrets which he shares only with you/Bella.

And then Edward takes you/Bella home to his vampire family. They are beautiful, loving, and rich! His "parents" immediately accept you/Bella.  They even thank you/her for "changing" Edward. He is over a hundred years old but he has never loved anyone.

Edward ends up falling for Bella at first sight (because her blood SMELLS SOOO GOOD!), He then demonstrates the depths of his love and passion by CONSTANTLY fighting his true nature for her sake. The harder he has to struggle, the more attractive he is to Bella/you the reader, because that's just how much he loves you/ Bella. And Bella is essentially YOU THE READER.

So you/Bella have this guy who, as we are told MANY TIMES, is PERFECT, and if you were anyone else, who was not adorably clumsy, cutely inarticulate, secretly hot, and smelling naturally like cookies, would be DEAD!. But you/Bella are special.
Edward struggles with his hungers--he's always the one to pull away when either he or Bella goes too far (or when he just wants to drain her blood).

But no danger here… you/Bella are safe with Edward, because he loves you/Bella MORE THAN ANYTHING, and he's NEVER going to pressure you because he wants to PROTECT you/Bella from himself. It is even okay for Edward to STALK you/Bella and watch while you/Bella/ sleep so long as he's hot and you are special.

But... you/Bella... of the delicious cookie scent and the life-threatening clumsiness, have cured his loneliness. And also, you/Bella are now part of a really cool vampire family—

Bella is attracted to the moody, gorgeous Edward because he is dangerous . Girls like bad boys. Girls like the idea of changing someone for the better, or the idea of having the power that someone loves us so much that he'll change or sacrifice something for us.

A really nice boy (JACOB BLACK) doesn't need to change, and, most importantly, he's already nice to everyone. How do you know that you're special if he (JACOB) treats everyone else with as much kindness and respect as he treats you?

You know BAD BOY loves you because he's completely different around you. You are the exception. This is how "villain" ends up as "antihero". And, it is also why this is called a fantasy!
Girls are attracted to the rebel, the guy who hangs out by himself, sports tattoos, rides a motorcycle, gets in trouble every now and then.

But there is nothing badder than a guy who could potentially kill you for dinner. Someone who has to constantly put himself through physical pain by resisting the urge to open up your arteries as your blood sings to him.

So, just give in…...put on your TEAM BELLA/EDWARD/JACOB Tee shirt, sling your TWILIGHT MOM totebag over your shoulder, spread glitter lotion on yourself so you sparkle in the sunlight, join the hive-mind pack of teens and, without guilt, enjoy these movies, read the books…..eat the Twinkies…..

You might also consider offering a HUGE apology to Star Trek fans everywhere.